Ivan Musoke

The return…as-if

Have I ever whined about some chest issues that were bugging me some time back? Bugging me so bad, the pain extended it’s reign of terror and flooded my arm and my back? I saw a series of doctors back then, none of them my classmates, who offered different diagn…theories. Turns out, what I had was the beginning of something none of them had considered. So, the week before last… I think, I got some stupid pains and I felt compelled to go see the doctor. Who am I kidding, I was hurting so bad, I didn’t have a choice.

After a wait that must have 6hrs, I was finally summoned. I suppose it is worth pointing out that the guys at Doctor’s Plaza have a loyalty scheme that basically won’t allow the newbies audience with a doctor any time before midday.

A couple of tests later, the doctor told me it sounded like my lung had collapsed. It sounded sort of fancy and I suppose in some twisted way, it is one of those things that people earn “ooh”s and “aah”s for. Not me. I was freaked out. This is the lung we are talking about, not the friggin kidney. If one lung is down, the other lung won’t look on and think, “shit, lemme up my game” and proceed to double up in size and do the other lungs work. Lungs are selfish that way.

The doctor was not too sure, and figured an X-ray ought to clench the deal. He told me I could use the clinic’s which was somewhere around the dreadful waiting area from earlier on. What a kind guy!

After some back and forth, I was informed that the “fluid is finished” and as such the machine won’t work.

And so began the hunt for a working Xray…and the mother of all spontaneous showers (from the clouds, not a bathroom)

This thing is dragging on, so…

Long story short:

X-ray confirms that lung has attempted to hurl itself to its death in the recesses of my gut. Doctor tells me to go to Mulago for a minor procedure. I go home, upset. I sleep. I wake and go to Mulago.

Doctor (who turns up about 7 hours after I get there) asks me whether I’m ready to be admitted. Considering my state of sobriety, I think I’m not. I am admitted anyway.

Lady is there for me. I try to downplay the prospect of being a tenant of Mulago Heights. I fail. Lady rocks!

Doctor comes over with his bag of tricks which comprises syringes, tape, gauze, anaesthetic, blades (surgical blades, not the vampire hunter haha?) a pipe that could comfortably be laid out from here to your place to transport fibre optic cables…

I try to be macho again by speaking on the phone as they inject my chest. I figure the worst is over then the doctor begins his running commentary with as much excitement as a guy juggling his…

Blade meets skin. Makes the first move. Skin responds by letting blade in. A hole is exposed. Skin lets pipe in. Other end of pipe goes into a beaker, but first end is stuck in chest. It’s a prisoner!

There are bubbles in beaker. I soon start to hate these bubbles and its a while before I look at Sprite the same way again.

It’s Tuesday…day 1.

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