Welcome to Uganda II: We have music

The newspapers have this section they keep publishing wherein they tell you how you can achieve a celebrity’s look for less. They also have a column titled ‘How To Be’, where the writer tells you, well, how you can be someone or something depending on the writer’s mood. It is these sections that have inspired me to present.

HOW TO BE RED BANTON or any other ROCO ARTIS

I know, it seems like a cheap shot, right? I mean, why would I go out of my way to pscho-analyse Tony something or the other. Well, for one thing, because I can. You don’t see me doing that on your blog do you? No. Which means I can get away with it here! Also, I suspect that Red wants to be Kanye West.

East (africa) meets West

East (africa) meets West

I don’t mean that in a bad way, but his rhyming style is sorta like, “oh look at me, I sound like Kanye”. His personality is nothing like Kanye’s. Kanye has an ego problem, Banton is a simple man. And says shit like “I’m a simple Banton-ee”.

Let’s look at Kanye’s flow then, for good measure, Red’s.

Kanye: Who killin em in the UK. Everybody gonna to say you K, reluctantly, because most of this press don’t f**k with me. Estelle once said to me, cool down down don’t act a fool now now. I always act a fool oww oww. Ain’t nothing new now now

-American Boy

Red Banton: I used to be Red Bantoni, now I’m a simple Bantoni, no longer the one Bantoni, even my lady calls me Bantoni…

-180

Arguably, there are very few words that rhyme with Banton, so yeah, let’s work within our means.

The average Ugandan song combines (I hate this word) vernacular and innuendo in a delicate mix that results in what holds the appeal of a soaked piece of toilet paper…but with a certain staying power the likes of which we have not seen since Rasta Rob’s last song…

  • You will also want to throw about a couple of random phrases:
  • Kablim kablam we come back randomly – Weasal Ma Nizzo
  • We don’t nnyinyyi we just yiyiyiyi – Ragga Dee
  • Kamwokya – Bobi Wine

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Not a lot of thought goes into some of our songs. Don’t get me wrong, the GNL’s and Klear Kut peeps are a decent lot, but when it comes down to the music that’s not Hip Hop, you can compose a song in your sleep.. In fact, I did.

This ka-song is original,

Zi message zensindika zibeera subliminal

Walahi, the way I do it should be called criminal

Even tho’ tha flow is borrowed from Red Bantonee

I respect and admire Red Bantonee

I met a chic and she called me Antonee

I said no, I just look like Antonee

Then she groped me and held my Bantonee

I said ouch and observed that “you really want onee,

You really really want tony

She nodded yes and kept holding the bantonee

Making me horny horny horny

Like that cartoon, my little pony pony pony

That I watched on my sony sony sony

It was a fake, a SQNY, so a phoney phoney phoney

That’s when I figured this stuff was serious

I didn’t have to be a genius

How did it end, I bet you are curious

My intentions were dubious

The glint in her eye; devious

Catch you later

Comments

comments

14 Comments

  • tumwijuke Reply February 23, 2009

    A soaked piece of toilet paper? HA!

    Killer lyrics!

  • jny23ug Reply February 23, 2009

    Ivan, yu are simply hillariousseeeee.

    Man, red pepper said red banton was dieing this year from severe poverty. I there4 wont say anything about him lest he dies the next minute and word goes round that i killed him.

  • Ashy Reply February 23, 2009

    I commented and… “Your comment was a bit too short. Please go back and try again”

  • Erique Reply February 23, 2009

    Eh, naye mwaana osaana money
    Kubanga this rap is very funny
    Kweggamba obeera awo ng’olimunene
    The way you stand there and just be horny
    I almost called you Ronny
    Kubanga ndaba the way you like honey
    I made up the last line in a hurry

  • Baz Reply February 23, 2009

    As Cheri would say, DJ, give me beats.

  • Tandra Reply February 23, 2009

    tihihihihihihii….

    but seriously… soaked toilet paper?

  • val Reply February 23, 2009

    I have died laughing over those lyrics…hilarious!

  • Princess Reply February 23, 2009

    😆
    Very creative, Ivan. Lol!!

  • DoomsDay Reply February 24, 2009

    😆 I’ve always been fascinated by the flow but did not know whatever the lyrics where like -soaked piece T.P

    isn’t that why you like the guy

  • The Dark Knight Reply February 24, 2009

    You, sir, just transcended awesome!

  • Lionel Reply February 27, 2009

    IVAAAAN?!?

  • Iwaya Reply March 2, 2009

    you are truly wicked!

  • Roz Reply March 3, 2009

    LOL hilarious!!!! You were meant to be a writer

  • Carlo Reply March 5, 2009

    Ah, now you’ve made that song stick in my head. And you call IT a Bantonee? Tuli mukufa!

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