Ivan Musoke

Welcome To Uganda.

Welcome to Uganda. It’s a tiny little country in the Eastern bit of Africa. Almost everyone that comes here falls in love with the place. To date, the only person that is not too crazy about this place is John Amos. Remember him? He is the dude that starred in Roots as Kunta Kinte. It was a nice movie, but when he got back to his roots. John Amos figured, screw this shit and left. Not cool.

Our people are a friendly bunch and are exceedingly interested in your feeding habits. All too often, one of us will be heard asking, “what is your favourite food so far?”. This is a harmless question. We will not hate tourists if they respond with an answer that is not matooke. Sure, it is way easy to pronounce (mah-toe-kay), but it is all lumpy and it is all yellow. Scientists have suggested that the bulk of Matooke is actually water. Scientists are dumb.

Ugandans are not dumb and they will always find a way of showing it. For instance, the Ugandan Boda Boda guys are always trying to redefine negotiations. A typical boda boda conversation will run thus; (subtitles provided)
He: boss, let’s go
You: how much?
He: How much do you want to give me?
You: *silently* I don’t want to give you anything. *loudly* My fare is usually four thousand shillings
He: *silently* LMAO. *loudly* you give me six thousand.
You: *silently* screw you! *loudly* its okay. I will find someone else
He: *silently* oh shit! *loudly* okay, give me five thousand
You: *loudly* I usually pay four thousand

The boda guy will give in. But, at the end of the journey, he will shy away from the money and you will practically beg him to take his money.

While we are still on the subject, just because he has red/brown eyes, it doesn’t mean he is drunk. And the smell of cheap liquor emanating from his sweat/ tears should not sway you. In fact, I find that this particular brand of rider is more reliable. It is very likely he figures he needs to drop you off, get paid and then continue with his activities

The average Ugandan is fascinated by all things foreign. No one knows why this is, but no one has really bothered to conduct any research.

We are also haters. We will rubbish someone for the smallest thing.

“That guy feels like he is the shit, but he is not. See him. Wearing CNN jeans. I bet they are not even his”

We are possessive. We like to attach the word ,’my’ to titles of respect and reverence. Studies conducted point to the expressions,’ my boss’ and ‘my man’

I’m sleepy, I’ll finish this later.

Comments

comments

12 Comments

  1. 😆 (Still amused by the smileys) Now now, could somebody please expound on what CNN jeans are?! Are they jeans that are made by CNN, appear on CNN, Are worn on CNN??!! LOL again at “My man” you forgot “the so and so’s” used when reffering to a group of people, that one just kills me!! 😉 Have a good one!! Chiarz ❗

  2. This makes it easy to talk about where am from…I’ll print when you wake up

    You are right about that type. I once too a sober boda guy and he went after my phone & wallet

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