Driving me mad

audi_q7_ I have never really considered my vehicular illiteracy (inability to drive) a big deal. The way I saw it, if I learned and there wasn’t a car readily available, I’d probably get pretty frustrated. It’s like my mentor once opined, “…like a kid discovering sex and then having that taken away from him”

Nuff said.

However, lately, I’ve had the words, “I wish you could drive” thrown at me regularly.
At first, i thought nothing of it. Hell, I shrugged and smiled sheepishly. Now? I get pissed. I don’t like that I can’t drive. I find myself rolling up into a ball and screaming, “WHY!!!” and then the answer comes back to me like a torn 1k note. “you didn’t want to learn!”

But now I do. Seriously. I don’t care that the opportunity may not present itself. I am just getting tired of all the wishes. I am also getting particularly pissed off at myself for scrolling through my phone book to find, not a cab driver, but rather a boda boda rider. I need to upgrade me!

As such, this year will be the year I learn how to drive…and with any luck drive even after the lessons. Of course there are a few things about driving that scare me.


Have you ever noticed just how sexist drivers are? If the person driving in front of them does something that is a tad wrong, they will instantly say it must be a woman driving. The funny thing is, even women seem to get agitated and express the same opinion. What usually happens is, the driver will then proceed to overtake the car in front of him, and whilst doing so, sneak a peek into the other car. His findings will then go through a gender insensitive process that will have him say either one of these;

  • I knew it. See. Its a woman
  • A man? I can’t believe it. he drives like a woman

Sudden Loss Of Solidarity

Smokers have a bond they share. A stranger will walk up to you and ask you to ‘light him up’ and youmatrix will because you know what he is going through. There’s a kinship centuries old that you don’t want to mess up. Drivers on the other hand don’t give a shit. A guy behind the wheel will seldom care that you are also behind a wheel and need to get to place X at a certain time. Sure, once in a while (s)he will let you go first, but that won’t be before uttering a silent prayer that little elves wielding nails come to your home late in the night and puncture your tires and while they are at it, turn your number plate wrong side up.

Road Rage

Drivers, as a principle are generally not the happiest people in the world. The smallest things will upset them. A nun crossing the road will inspire feelings of animosity. A child asking for a buck will cause a driver to cast him a look that, in the days of old, would turn you into stone. Now the look makes you pee in your pants and walk away saying you probably deserved it…oh yeah, the road rage. Everyone that is driving is an idiot, moving to slow or should be incarcerated for being too dumb to use an indicator.

Superiority Complex

rav four I’m okay with boda bodas at the moment, however that will likely change as soon as I learn how to drive. I will probably figure (rightly so) that I am too cool to use a boda boda. I will delete all those numbers I have now because I will be above that sort of thing. I too will get agitated with the way they swerve recklessly. I will, in a word, become a SNOB. I will move into Animal Farm mode, declaring to anyone that will make the mistake of listening to me, “To wheels good, Four wheels freakin better!”. I will then be forced to re-evaluate my priorities. When I first evaluated them, i wanted an Ipod and sneakers. The second evaluation will likely slide the need for a car somewhere on my hierarchy of needs.

Dependency Issues

I will want to do everything with my car. What’s that? I’ve run out of credit. Shoot, let me DRIVE down to the shop and buy some. Huh? Supper will take a while to prepare, I will DRIVE down to a fast food joint and get somethin. What? I locked my bedroom keys inside? Dang! Guess I will sleep in the car. I have no date for the prom? Looks like its just me and my wheels! I think I am downplaying this. it will be an addiction.


Somewhere along the line I will also be elevated to the class of people that know how much gas costs, that are constantly asking pedestrians for ‘proggie’. I will become…a driver…by the end of March!





  • walkonby Reply January 27, 2009

    We both know those are misguided preconceived notions


    i’ll teach you 🙂

  • Ashy Reply January 27, 2009

    Once I learnt how to drive, I missed being driven 🙁

  • 31337 Reply January 27, 2009

    all the best in this quest. i am quite happy to have crossed that bridge so many years ago that putting that number down on here will cause your lovely young template to wither and die.

  • petesmama Reply January 27, 2009

    Being a car-driving snob is fun – don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. Weak pun intended.

  • tumwijuke Reply January 27, 2009

    Recently, a friend said, “Wow Tumwi, you drive just like a man.” I veered to the side of the road and ordered him out. Stupid git!

    It’s true, I’m happiest when I’m seated at the back of a taxi, reading a book, listening to a podcast or having a mindless conversation with other passangers. I’m happiest when I don’t have to make the decision on which least congested route to take. I’m happiest when I’m not driving through the city daydreaming about how exactly to kill that bodaboda man – garroting or hacking to death with a dull machete. I’m happiest when I’m not driving.

    Don’t go to the dark side … please!

  • Be silent Reply January 27, 2009

    I have a couple of friends who drive like the people in Italy totally crazy . When i am sitted in their cars i have imaginary brakes that i am always stepping on to stop the car. 🙂

  • DoomsDay Reply January 28, 2009

    Ivan, You Is not alone…I’ve always eluded driving mainly because of a lousy reason. If I can’t drive the car I want(Ford Mustang), why bother?

    However lately due to peer pressure, am slowly giving in and have even started preparing to take the learner’s test and get a learner’s permit.

    Best of Luck with this endeavor

    Tumwijuke, that was a compliment -Yes I’ve heard women rant highest among the worst driver’s that’s why they do not compete in racing……Poor guy facing the wrath after such a beautiful remark

  • Erique Reply January 28, 2009

    Dude, are you trying to say something?

  • lulu Reply January 31, 2009

    we learn together! even me i want but we wont be sexist road ragers and etcs! how about that ishall tag along on your first do
    but dont kill me

  • Apr9 Reply February 1, 2009

    So how far with the driving lessons? The is about to end

    Nice collection of cars.

  • Apr9 Reply February 2, 2009

    Meant to say the year is about to end

  • sleek Reply February 3, 2009

    why not take baby steps?start by riding a boda-seeing as u have so many riders (no pun there),i’m sure they’d willingly show u some moves…

  • Loco Reply February 4, 2009

    😆 women are bad drivers, chinese are atrocious drivers, what happens to chinese women 😈 ? poor beings ❗ I learnt how to drive successfully but somehow nobody thinks I can handle a motor vehicle without causing carnage 😐 (maybe it’s because am a woman, hmmm 😕 ) so I stick to the passenger seat 🙁 G’luck with your driving endeavours 🙂 (Is it too obvious that I am totally in love with these emoicons ❓

  • King Reply February 12, 2009

    Just a wee bit concerned.

    Why are all comments showing up as written by Ivan?

  • Ivan Reply February 12, 2009

    Because I am taking over the world. One blogger at a time. HA!! 👿

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