I have never really considered my vehicular illiteracy (inability to drive) a big deal. The way I saw it, if I learned and there wasn’t a car readily available, I’d probably get pretty frustrated. It’s like my mentor once opined, “…like a kid discovering sex and then having that taken away from him”
However, lately, I’ve had the words, “I wish you could drive” thrown at me regularly.
At first, i thought nothing of it. Hell, I shrugged and smiled sheepishly. Now? I get pissed. I don’t like that I can’t drive. I find myself rolling up into a ball and screaming, “WHY!!!” and then the answer comes back to me like a torn 1k note. “you didn’t want to learn!”
But now I do. Seriously. I don’t care that the opportunity may not present itself. I am just getting tired of all the wishes. I am also getting particularly pissed off at myself for scrolling through my phone book to find, not a cab driver, but rather a boda boda rider. I need to upgrade me!
As such, this year will be the year I learn how to drive…and with any luck drive even after the lessons. Of course there are a few things about driving that scare me.
Have you ever noticed just how sexist drivers are? If the person driving in front of them does something that is a tad wrong, they will instantly say it must be a woman driving. The funny thing is, even women seem to get agitated and express the same opinion. What usually happens is, the driver will then proceed to overtake the car in front of him, and whilst doing so, sneak a peek into the other car. His findings will then go through a gender insensitive process that will have him say either one of these;
I knew it. See. Its a woman
A man? I can’t believe it. he drives like a woman
Sudden Loss Of Solidarity
Smokers have a bond they share. A stranger will walk up to you and ask you to ‘light him up’ and you will because you know what he is going through. There’s a kinship centuries old that you don’t want to mess up. Drivers on the other hand don’t give a shit. A guy behind the wheel will seldom care that you are also behind a wheel and need to get to place X at a certain time. Sure, once in a while (s)he will let you go first, but that won’t be before uttering a silent prayer that little elves wielding nails come to your home late in the night and puncture your tires and while they are at it, turn your number plate wrong side up.
Drivers, as a principle are generally not the happiest people in the world. The smallest things will upset them. A nun crossing the road will inspire feelings of animosity. A child asking for a buck will cause a driver to cast him a look that, in the days of old, would turn you into stone. Now the look makes you pee in your pants and walk away saying you probably deserved it…oh yeah, the road rage. Everyone that is driving is an idiot, moving to slow or should be incarcerated for being too dumb to use an indicator.
I’m okay with boda bodas at the moment, however that will likely change as soon as I learn how to drive. I will probably figure (rightly so) that I am too cool to use a boda boda. I will delete all those numbers I have now because I will be above that sort of thing. I too will get agitated with the way they swerve recklessly. I will, in a word, become a SNOB. I will move into Animal Farm mode, declaring to anyone that will make the mistake of listening to me, “To wheels good, Four wheels freakin better!”. I will then be forced to re-evaluate my priorities. When I first evaluated them, i wanted an Ipod and sneakers. The second evaluation will likely slide the need for a car somewhere on my hierarchy of needs.
I will want to do everything with my car. What’s that? I’ve run out of credit. Shoot, let me DRIVE down to the shop and buy some. Huh? Supper will take a while to prepare, I will DRIVE down to a fast food joint and get somethin. What? I locked my bedroom keys inside? Dang! Guess I will sleep in the car. I have no date for the prom? Looks like its just me and my wheels! I think I am downplaying this. it will be an addiction.
Somewhere along the line I will also be elevated to the class of people that know how much gas costs, that are constantly asking pedestrians for ‘proggie’. I will become…a driver…by the end of March!