Random Notes: WORLD AIDS DAY EDITION

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I don’t mean to be way too presumptuous, but I’d like to think you’ve all heard that song…at least Baz has.
To tell the truth, it actually sounds nice, but after a few listens (usually in the company of a beverage of your choice) you start to notice certain things. I’ll assume that you are new to this whole Paul Simon business and reproduce the lyrics. I will also try to embed the video, just to be safe.

In the song ( Call me Al), Paul Simon sings;

If you’ll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you betty
And betty when you call me
You can call me Al

I’m fine with him beginning his verses with “A Man Walks Down The Street” like he is going to crack a joke, but what’s the deal with the chorus? I mean. Seriously! What sort of deal is that? You don’t approach a bouncer with that shit. Hell, you don’t approach anyone with an offer like that.
Let’s assume for one second that I’m overreacting. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that there is in fact someone that is okay with this buddy for bodyguard trade off. In fact, let’s call this person Baz. There is absolutely NO WAY that anyone will agree to be called BETTY. That’s some messed up shit there. What gives? How dare you suggest a name like that? I’m not saying the name Betty is not nice. On the contrary, it’s a wonderful name. It is generally not a name that bodyguards have. It is also not a name that is offered with glee.
Conclusion: Paul Simon has it in for you and won’t stop dissing you any time soon.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread

I’ve been meaning to blog about this, but I couldn’t find a way of introducing the subject. Seeing as this is a random  post, I can come right out and say it. I think bakeries are getting lazy. I suppose I should have suspected it after my first encounter with Tip Top bread. Remember the sizes of the slices? Massive things those. If you were in boarding school and you were going through a rough patch, a slice of Tip Top would be enough to get you by for a while. If a girl told you she was trying to lose weight and to that end had limited herself to one slice of bread a day, you needed to ask whether it was Tip Top. No way will anyone lose weight that way. Logic suggests that to avoid the tedious process of slicing the bread into numerous small pieces, the guy with the electric knife made three cuts and called it a loaf.

Then we had Yummy bread. I know what you’re thinking, the guys that come up with these names are just about as creative as a monochromatic abacus. So, yeah, we had Yummy bread where I would assume someone sat down figured “I can make bread” but couldn’t be bothered to read the recipe and dumped as much sugar in the dough as he possibly could. Maybe, just maybe, this guy/ girl would look into the mixture and gleefully pour sugar in whilst gleefully saying, “its snowing! It’s snowing!!”

Anyway, lately it appears bakers are trying to outdo each other as far as messing up the bread experience goes. In two weeks I have successfully purchased bread that had a thread in it, tasted like paraffin and had funny particles of grain I can only hope was rogue sugar that refused to conform to the norm that dictates that sugar in bread is supposed to be had and not seen. The experience with the paraffin flavored bread left me traumatized and now I have a morbid fear of preparing toast lest the slices spontaneously combust and blow up in my face. How the heck do you expect people to feel sorry for you after they find out that the coroner’s report states that the cause of death was explosive bread?

I bet the PR people will release a statement laying the blame on the power company.

Of Public Holidays with Ribbons

It’s world AIDS day, and as you may or may not be aware, it happens to be one of those days that has a ribbon. For a long time ribbons were maligned and nobody seemed to think they’d amount to much, but lately they enjoy widespread popularity and they come in a number of colours and flavours. What does this mean? Well, simply put, ribbons are now a fashion statement. Got no Cuff Links, wear the gold ribbon, Need to draw attention to your body? Wear a neon colored ribbon and place it in a strategic spot. Actually, you can just wear the ribbon and nothing else. Kinda like that fig leaf that covers naked ladies’ bodies in those paintings by dead artists.

In closing. . . .

{Footerwear}

Know how you hate wearing the same shoes as the next guy or girl? Well, there’s a solution. You can PIMP EM! Make ‘em look snazzy!

shoe-b4

yeah? If you have a Facebook account look for the group sole addiction customs. If not… a blog will be opened soon and you will be able to see what else is on offer.

But here’s a sneak peak. . .

shoe copy

*Depending on where you are when you are wearing your tweaked shoes, background may vary.

hey, anyone seen the moon and it’s two friends tonight?

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17 Comments

  • Darlkom Reply December 1, 2008

    There was that movie with the Kungfu cow and the guy wanted to be called Betty. Remember that?
    I tried to see the moon but I can’t see anything.

  • Erique Reply December 1, 2008

    Betty? Nigga what the f…that shit doesn’t fly. No, don’t even start. There’s just no excuse. Man Ivan, I know you’ve always wanted a career in music but dude!

  • Baz Reply December 1, 2008

    Gentlemen, from this day on you will refer to me as. . . BETTY! I like big butts and I cannot lie. That movie ruled all stupid movies.

  • Ivan Reply December 1, 2008

    @Darlkom: It was called Kung Pow and we must never speak of it again!
    @Erique: Yeah, you’re saying that now, but when I go big, you will be using pix of my car’s wheels in an attempt to be cool by association
    @Betty: That’s all I’m saying

  • Miss Cheri Reply December 2, 2008

    Lol Ivan’s response to Dee.

  • Ntwatwa Joel Benjamin Reply December 2, 2008

    Kung Pow! Hehe..Never dared to see it. I saw the moon last night and it was not ordinary. Sorry about your bread ssebo..seems you’re avoiding Hot Loaf. But careful about that toast, cause of death being “explosive bread” is some embarrassing stuff!

  • Alesi Reply December 2, 2008

    The sole addiction footwear looks like Kung Pow’s nose to me 😛 (I know, you said not to mention it any more)

    Tip top was a saviour at that time… stop maligning it now that you don’t need it anymore! Could mention other brands of bread but be it far from me to talk evil of breads like some people 😉

  • Lionel Reply December 2, 2008

    Ladies & Gentlemen, Joel saw the moon last night….lol!!!!!!

  • The Emrys Reply December 2, 2008

    that moon and its two little friends were oba not of this world me thinks

  • Ivan Reply December 2, 2008

    @NJB: Hot Loaf is okay I suppose…until you find the odd egg shell lurking about
    @Alesi: I bet it is because you fear suffering retribution at the hands of a loaf of bread. Regarding Sole Addiction Customs, check the facebook group for variety.
    @Lionel: If you make more comments like that you shall be banished to the naughty corner with Betty!
    @The Emrys; Would you then say, they were ‘Out of this world’ ?

  • petesmama Reply December 2, 2008

    I like Paul Simon. And that song (whatever it means!)

    You can call me Betty if you prefer the Al.

  • Solomon King Reply December 2, 2008

    The moon? what moon? Guys, that was a UFO. For real. Do a google search.

    I have a clip of that Kung Pow thing, the cow thing. Hilarious beyond belief. A little revolting too. Is it worse/better than Kung Fu Hustle?

    I remember Ntake bread very fondly…

  • esquire inc. Reply December 2, 2008

    come to think of it…i always sing along to the song and now that i think of it..i have to agree there is some #$%ed up Sh@@# going on in that song, or there is some hidden stuff Paul Simon was into and making reference to Bodyguard and him calling each other Al and Betty..something fishy here!

  • The 27th Comrade Reply December 3, 2008

    Hi! 🙂

  • 31337 [E] Reply December 16, 2008

    i love your random posts. cause of death: exploding bread. *dead*

  • 31337 [E] Reply December 16, 2008

    i have come back again. what happened to my other thing comment?

    for real we had slices of bread in school that could be mistaken for the full loaf save for the distinct difference that it did not have crusts on both ends.

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