Not a snob…as such

I am not a snob. Seriously. I just like to think that certain things are beneath me. The problem is, I have the number one sign that someone maybe a snob. I am too bloody quick to defend myself and attempt to link myself to a certain class/group of individuals.

You know that thing where someone brands you a snob and you say, “I am not a snob! I even hang out with. . .”
Yeah, that confirms that you are one. That said, here are a few snobbish traits I have managed to pick up and some pretty lame attempts to justify them. Feel free to add yours.


I eat “Rolex”. Shit, the combination of Chapati and Egg and “accompaniments” (****! That word actually exists?!) is to die for. It’s such a shame they couldn’t come up with a decent name for it. So yeah, I like to eat the damn thing. An urban legend suggests that rolex postpones hangovers. They will come, but they will come late! Thing is, I can’t bring myself to buy one from anywhere but Wandegeya.

Defense: Rolex originated from Wandegeya, according to our forefathers. You can’t expect imitators to reproduce the product efficiently.ย  Any Rolex from anywhere else is a knock off.

Burgers and Pizzas should not be bought from a place that boasts a clientele of three. That is to say, if it is not Dominos, Nandos, Steers or even Antonios, they should be handled with caution and the sort of delicacy usually reserved for transporting landmines. Places that are overly eager to display their capacity to preapare “special meals should not be trusted. That’s to say, any place that is named thus; BURGER DEALERS, PIZZA SUPREME MAKERS or even CYBER PIZZA AND BURGERS DOT COM should be avoided at all costs.

Defense 2.0: Which sorta doubles as a confession. Some new outdoor food vending thing opened up in an area close to where I live and I thought I’d give it a shot. Never mind that it was next to a brothel, or that the guy selling stuuf had the marketing skill of brick. I figured I’d try out their burgers. If they were any good, I’d be visiting this place on my way home and I’d be able to do away with that silly “I Feel Like Chicken Tonight” place in Kabalagala. BIG MISTAKE. The burger I bought did not have CHEESE, as I’d been led to believe by the brick behind the counter, but had a friggin fried egg in there. WTF?? What sort of self respecting burger has eggs on the slab of meat?


I’ve gone on and on about this, one of the most convenient means of transport today, what I may have forgotten is this. Whenever I can, I have earphones nestled in my (where else) ears. From time to time, the other end may be attached to anything ranging from a media player to my wallet. Its not because I suffer an affliction that requires constant in-ear stimulation, but rather so I don’t have to be engaged in discourse with the guy steering us through traffic.

Defense: Boda guys seldom speak in a language you understand. When they do, I try to listen, but I can make out very little from what the wind lets me pick up. A typical Boda conversation will run thus;

He: Kati ***** naye ***** imagine ***** (laughter) ***** don’t you see ***** fish ***** dame
Theย  ” * ” standing in for words the wind has maliciously carried away and I have, consequently, failed to pick up. If I forgot to carry my earphones I simply smile when I think I am supposed to, jeer occasionally and shake my head in sorrow.


These range from those at the clinic to the waiting area at a company you’re looking to join and are thus awaiting someone to come over and beckon you to some conference area for your interview. Standard behavior is to wait and keep quiet. Do not feel the need to engage in conversation with other occupants of the area. In as much as it may make the wait seem shorter, more often than not it will not yield positive results. If there’s a newspaper nearby I tend to read that. If I’ve got credit, I send messages or surf the net. Engaging in a conversation is a last resort and one you should turn to if you absolutely must stay awake.

Defense: Without planning it, if you get the job and the other occupant of the waiting area doesn’t, you will come off looking like a dick. An arrogant, self righteous prick and he or she will not have any problem with “accidentally” pouring stuff on you the next time you run into each other.
Defense 2.0: If you happen to be in a clinic, that interaction does not do any one of you any good when either one of you hears the other being asked to present the “stool sample” the doctor asked for. You will never recover from this, so you’re better off reading the text you received telling you to text the word, “ACNE” to ****


Once in a while, one or two prove that they are different and as such I should have no qualms about interacting with them. Please note, I said one or two. Usually the third or fourth ย will make you regret the whole experience.

Defense: When you display a show of camaraderie with waiters and waitresses, more often than not they will figure that they are above being tipped and will likely keep your “change”. It’s happened to me a couple of times. And when I asked for it, it’s like I had cracked the world’s funniest joke (yes, Baz, even funnier than that Obama +Black House thing of yours). The times I have displayed an “I left my friends on FACEBOOK” attitude, I have been successful in getting my “balance” back with considerably less issues… granted, there is the possibility that my food may have been forced to accommodate someone’s spittle, but….


I try to avoid engaging in conversations with these people (that actually does sound snobbish) because of two experiences…

Experience 01: This one time I was trying to sell of my phone, I bumped into a guy that expressed interest in it…and at a price higher than I expected. Naturally, I felt obliged to “conversate” with him till I got to my destination and exchanged numbers with him. I was young, I didn’t know any better. I was also quite desperate. It didn’t seem like such a bad thing…until the texts started to come in.

“Sweetheart. I think we should meet and talk. It was nice meeting you”
“Darling, I am serious about the phone, I just want to know you better”
“Dear, I just want to be your friend, where can we meet?”

Experience 02: Everyone has gone through the communal newspaper experience, so I won’t even go there.

– END –





  • Princess Reply October 24, 2008

    Mine boots? ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Princess Reply October 24, 2008

    This post just made me home-sick.
    And yes, you is a snob. lol

  • Sibo Reply October 24, 2008

    Good one Ivan, especially the bodaboda conversation.
    Are you still selling phones? Lets meet in a taxi!!! ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

  • Mudamuli Reply October 24, 2008

    Most of the things you mentioned remind me of myself but I am not a snob. Just cautious and shy.

  • tumwijuke Reply October 24, 2008

    You are not a snob bambi. You couldn’t pull it off with that face. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • petesmama Reply October 24, 2008

    You are a snob. But much training you need. ๐Ÿ™„

    True snob is unapologetic – tis a way of life.

  • Alesi Reply October 24, 2008

    ๐Ÿ˜› Surprised you didnt dwell on the brothel people more… that seems to be your pet peeve!!!

    And you had to think of the “stool sample” of all things that can happen in a clinic! ๐Ÿ˜†

    You know what?! You is a real one!

  • Ivan Reply October 24, 2008

    @Princess: I beg to differ. I am a “self-aware” snob. There’s a difference.
    @Sibo: I stopped selling phones in taxis, but I do sell them in wide open areas with crowds and whilst accompanied by an adult.
    @Mudamuli: Wait, you may be on to something. Maybe, I too, happen to be shy…
    @Tumwijuke: Really Tumwi, can’t help but wonder what I CAN pull off at this rate.
    @Petesmama: As I said not too long ago, I’m a self aware snob. The best kind of snob to be
    @Alesi: I am seeking treatment

  • Walkonby Reply October 24, 2008

    you’re just tryin not to feel too bad about givin’ all those different people the cold shoulder…we get it, it’s cool

  • Solomon King Reply October 24, 2008

    Me I talk with the boda boda people like my life depended on it. There is quite a bit you can learn from those chaps.

    Well… yeah.

    And yeah, you’s a snob. Good for you!

  • the antipop Reply October 24, 2008

    now, that brothel near your home. How many times have you visited it, how many of those times have you had to go to a pharmacy two weeks later, and how many times have you spent the night? jus curious

  • Carlo Reply October 24, 2008

    Does that make me a snob? Cuz I do ALL the things you just wrote about. Except I smile at waitresses and they give me back change and I tip them generously. Something about me feeling guilty that I am being served when I can cook my own food. Anyway, no, you’re not a snob. I refuse to believe I am. I just don’t care.

  • Chanel Reply October 24, 2008

    But Ivan Rolex doesnt have shit in it. Well maybe the one you eat

  • Emi's Reply October 24, 2008

    Total Snob 100% Over feeling sometimes gets you the bad reception. Antipop am also asking the same qn.

    M/w most waitress are not used to tips nut they instead charge you more than the required for the service. Guess thts how they get their cut. But I got used to leaving all coins on the table for tips

  • 31337 Reply October 25, 2008

    there is a communal newspaper esperience? kindly elaborate.

    answer antipops question. too.

  • Miss Cheri Reply October 25, 2008

    Yes, I want u to reply Antipop’s question. ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ โžก ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ˜• ๐Ÿ˜Ž ๐Ÿ‘ฟ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ’ก ๐Ÿ˜ณ ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ˜ฅ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ˜ก โ— โ“

  • Miss Cheri Reply October 25, 2008

    Ok. so the emoticons work…was just testing. Forgive, I come from Mityana.

  • Ivan Reply October 25, 2008

    @WalkOnBy: Don’t you dare psychoanalyse me on my blog.
    @Solomon: I’ve discussed the economy, politics and the credit crunch with some of them and its all good, what isn’t is the airbound conversations
    @The Antipop: I choose not to answer those questions in the interest of personal safety
    @Chanel: I’m sorry, poor choice of words. There is in fact no shit in Rolex. Not that I know of anyway. Thank you once again, you are a beacon of light and a fountain of wisdom.
    @Emi’s: I do NOT overfeel. In fact, some may say I don’t feel enough. IN FACT, I under feel.
    @31337: You know that thing where dudes be lookin at your paper like they paid for it, going as far as jeering when you flip pages without consulting them or asking whether they are done.
    @Cheri: Which one exactly? And your “maalo” with the smileys has brought dishonour to my blog. I will not answer the questions put forth by The Antipop

  • Miss Cheri Reply October 26, 2008

    Accompaniments. :mrgreen:

    Gwe, why does one comment have to have 2 avatars?

  • Ivan Reply October 26, 2008

    Er, because 2 Avatars are better than one?

  • esquire inc. Reply October 26, 2008

    Your posts are a constant reminder of beautiful writing about the things we savour..ahh the rolex and wandegs rolex was a classic!
    But then most of your posts are anyway…

  • Walkonby Reply October 26, 2008

    ๐Ÿ˜• the tone in your response to my comment, i’m scared…sniff,sniff,sob,sob

  • the antipop Reply October 27, 2008

    ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† walkonby

  • Elle B Reply October 28, 2008

    for the last time, it’s NOT Eleb. So… the nice guy just wanted to be friends and you turned him down. Kale that was mean ๐Ÿ˜› . Where’s the snigger smiley. Don’t think you’re a snob, atleast, if u are, you haven’t come out yet.

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