There is a new wave of crime that’s gripped the city…or groped it. Somehow the word sounds pretty inappropriate, but Gripped sounds wrong. I don’t have a dictionary and I’m too shy to ask people around me. The truth is, I live my life in constant fear that I may, one day say the wrong thing and be branded a pervert.
So anyway, the modus operandi, M.O if you will involves people hiding bars of metal in their jackets and then posing as boda boda riders. It’s very likely that they really are boda boda riders and they are not just posing. They just happen to have bars with them. These guys, who the police say are usually “very built and fresh out of jail” take unsuspecting passengers to some shady dark spot and then beat them up. They don’t do it for shits and giggles. This is a precursor to robbery.
Suffice to say, this has got me reconsidering my options for transportation. I generally favor bodas because of the convenience with which we weave through traffic, but shit, I favor being alive more. Call it a weakness.
That said, I have a stubborn streak that just won’t go away. It is this stubborn streak that had me by the side of the road waiting for a two wheeler. I was getting pretty frustrated, because none had turned up and anyone just waiting by the side of the road without a short dress preferably with a slit, bleached skin and a limited command of the English language looks dodgy. Then lady luck threw me a quick glance and availed a boda.
My joy was short lived. The damn thing had “666” on its plates. I mean, seriously, how the heck do you jump on board (?) with no qualms? Especially with this wave of crime? If you got clobbered and ended up at the pearly gates, how would you justify that?
St. Peter: Hi guy. What brings you here?
Jehesophat: Er, I’m dead.
St. Peter: Oh yeah. That sucks. Wanna talk about it?
Jehesophat: Well, lights went dim. Breathing ceased. It’s not really a killer stor…
St. Peter: Haha, Killer story. Son, you crack me up. It was a boda boda wasn’t it. Death by boda. Man, when this whole death thing began it was way less complicated. So this boda, did you have a good look at him?
Jehesophat: No. It was dark, I was in a hurry to leave.
St. Peter: A lot of good that did you
St.Peter: Surely you looked at the plates…
Jehesophat: Er, well…
St. Peter: See. I mean, come on man. What were you thinking? Devil was showing off, didn’t even bother to hide his serial number. Three 6’s. What are you? A pagan?
Jehesophat: No, I actually go to church…weddings, baptisms, funerals, that sort of thing
St. Peter: Well, I’m afraid I can’t let you in. Your remote control is missing a few buttons…
St. Peter: Your cellphone lacks reception… your pizza has no toppings…your keyboard is missing a few keys…long story short, you are dumb.
Jehesophat: So what happens now? I mean, I’m dead and everything.
St.Peter: Well, we can’t send you down to hell. I know, we will compromise. How do you feel about Local artistes
Jehesophat: I don’t!
St. Peter: Hmmm, okay, so a local artiste you shall be. Adios Amigo!
Then there’s boda boda guys that just don’t get it. I will not be impressed by how well you know the country. Seriously. I don’t give a shit. I will, however, be pretty pissed if you claim you know where we are going and then after I er, climb aboard you rely on me as your personal GPS system. I am not good with places. I can’t be expected to know where Ben Kiwanuka street is. I’ve set foot on it, but I didn’t have the sense to stop some random soul and ask, “where am I”, this in part due to the fact that that line usually triggers the animal instinct in people.
I’m kinda sleepy right now, so I will leave you with this;
Boy to girl; This nation is built on trust
Girl to boy: Trust
Boy to girl: Yes. Trust funds
Check this guy out