APPEAL: Please Return The Red Pepper's Calendars!

The word for today is NIBIRU…not to be confused with Mubiru, which may or may not have been my lecturer’s name back at the university. Come to think of it. It wasn’t my lecturer’s name. He was called Kapere. Pretty funny guy, he just didn’t know it. . .or if he did he didn’t care. SUCKER!

The Red Pepper has been filled with stories of the End Times… in the bible we have angels and horsemen. In the media, we have a galactic something or the other. The first time I read this shit, I thought to myself, “hey, a pick-up line!”
The way I saw it play out, I’d fold this article, put it in my wallet next to condoms and then execute OPERATION: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!

This is a pretty straightforward albeit delicate operation that entails hitting on a chic in a club and then when she says no, whip it out (the article!PERV!) and then say something like, “Listen, I know you’re probably saving yourself for someone special, and that’s nice, but the world is ending in 2012. Is it really worth it? I mean, yeah, sure, you may find the one and you may hit it off, be married within six months and have kids, then the world will end. You’re being really unfair to the kids. So don’t look at this one night stand as a favour to me. We are doing this for the kids!”

Granted the tone varies with the approach, ie, “What do you mean NO? The world is ending! God is watching you and how you’re being mean at the end of time!”

Then the Red Pepper got a little too ambitious and went and told us how we could survive the dumb thing. Hmm, what’s that? We can survive this calamity by chilling out in bunkers? Okay, SWEET! I can execute OPERATION: I HAVE A BUNKER, AND YOU?
I won’t even go into the fact that this whole bunker arrangement eliminates us from the equation. Yes, I know we survived CHOGM, we managed to put stuff together in all of seven days. But come on. A BUNKER? In which Uganda?

The way we would approach this would be to head to the bar and await the end with a drink in our hands… or, if the “OPERATIONS” worked, with someone in our beds.
Hey, I just thought of something, if the world did end while you were getting it on, would the following line of dialogue take place after, you know, the quakes…
“Oh shit! Did you feel that? It felt like the earth shook!”
“Don’t worry about it baby, that’s just me…”

Not content, the Red Pepper figured they’d push it a little…they moved into land bill territory with the declaration that NIBIRU would split Africa into four parts!
That’s whack! So what’s the point of having those bunkers? Is the Land Board, if there is such a thing to begin with, going to let us know where exactly we can set up these damn things?

I foresee a situation where you are in your bunker, all smug and shit when suddenly…
“Oh shit! Did you feel that? It felt like the earth shook!”
“Don’t worry about it baby, that’s just me…”
“Hey, are we floating in the ocean? Looks like the earth beneath us just, well, split…”

But that wasn’t enough. No, they decided to go one further, “NUBIRU to come with Man Eating Giants!”

F*** That! Whatever credibility you had garnered is lost! How am I supposed to use that? And let’s be rational here, if you were a giant, forget your dietary preferences, just a giant. Would a bunker stop you from well, attacking humanity?

“Oh look at me! I am a great big giant and there’s a bunker. Oh no! What am I gonna do? These humans certainly are mighty clever!”
Give me a break! If there’s a man-eating giant going all rampage like on the planet, there’s no way a friggin bunker is going to stand in its way! Shit, I’ve done crazy shit while I’m hungry, and I am not even a giant!
“Oh shit! Did you feel that? It felt like the earth shook!”
“Don’t worry about it baby, that’s just me…what the F***! Who are you?”
“Oh hey, I’m a man-eating giant… Call me Melton!”

And then they got greedy. “Scientists release images of Nibiru Giants!”

What the. . .? Which self-respecting-man-eating-giant lets people know what they look like? Do they have MEGAPIX? Did they “tune”?

I realize the Red Pepper is not one of those things (okay, fine. Call it a newspaper, but its your reputation on the line) you take seriously, but its not fair when they stop trying. It’s like the village idiot decided to go around handing out business cards introducing himself and confirming what we always knew.

Incidentally these giants come with wings . . . like angels.

I’m sorry, but this shit is no longer funny.
“Oh shit! Did you feel that? It felt like the earth shook!”
“Don’t worry about it baby, that’s just me…what the F***! Who are you?”
“Oh hey, I’m a man-eating giant… Call me Melton!”
“Wait a sec, are those… are those wings?”
“Momma said I was special…”
“I think you’re a little too early”
“Why, its 2012!”
“Yeah, but April 1st is not until, well, April!”


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12 Comments

  • Darlkom Reply March 12, 2008

    I am so with you on the Angel Wings thing. How far are they planning on running with this?

  • tumwijuke Reply March 13, 2008

    Did you see that the giant people will also wear tank tops and pampers? Considering that everything out of the Red Pepper is ‘accurate’, I am so no scared.

    I say bring on Mubiru, useless and a divided Africa.

    😉

  • 31337 Reply March 13, 2008

    This is long. Off to read.

  • Carlo Reply March 13, 2008

    me I’m scared! I mean it’s the Red Pepper!! brrrr.

  • Cheri Reply March 13, 2008

    Red pepper is still on that story…???

  • 31337 Reply March 14, 2008

    I have to go see this for myself. The incredulity of it all!!

  • DeTamble Reply March 15, 2008

    2012 huh? Excellent. That gives me time to finish uni and get a job and not have earned enough to start paying back my student loan. Sweet. Free Education, so long as I die. Do you think Melton will organise a buffet and I can just go to the front of the ‘to be eaten’ queue?

  • Lesi Lesi Reply March 17, 2008

    Melton!! Of all names, Melton. So what would have melted? The Icebergs or what?

    And how is the world supposed to end? I saw the headlines but… you know Red Pepper! I looked for the nearest thing where i could spend the money i would have spent to buy the rag!

    @ Tumwi, I thought those were man-eating giants and not Cupid! Why the pampers?

  • Lesi Lesi Reply March 17, 2008

    “Oh shit! Did you feel that? It felt like the earth shook!”
    “Don’t worry about it baby, that’s just me…

    You mean people still ‘conversate’ like that? Reminds me of a certain interuptus!! How far have we gotten on that series by the way? I thought one of your new year’s resolutions was to be nice!! Not finishing that story is not nice at all, Ivan!!!

  • heddwyn Reply March 24, 2008

    i hate to admit it but dude u got issues

  • Fixticks Reply March 31, 2008

    Oh I’d love to see how you’d look if 2011 reached and you realised the idiots were geniuses…HA,,. u better keep this blog alive till then so we can find what to laugh at save for the Angels gone bad…

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