The Thing about Life : Super Abilities

So I’m watching this thing on Nickelodeon… first off, I’d like to state that I did die a little inside when watching this station. I hate myself for laughing at SpongeBob‘s shite. I feel like a part of me has been taken and kept on some shelf in Annoying Animation Heaven. I am glad to announce that I will at no point be pulling “Remember when” moments from this show. I am above that sort of thing. . . or so I’d like to believe…. so anyway, I was watching Avatar over on Nick and I’m thinking, that’s not how shit goes down.

Yes, there’s a part of me that’s taken to “over thinking”, rationalizing even.

Just Gimme De Light


This character is really pissed, right and then he unleashes a fireball of sorts screaming out that he is angry with himself…and the other characters are all so okay with this. Come on!

If I had some sort of ability, say fireball blasting, the last thing that’s going to happen is for me to waste it on some self righteous tirade. Mbu how; “I hate life” *blast* I hate the late show with Straka *blast* My toenail is growing into my flesh! *blast blast*. Trust me, you give me such skills or I get bitten by some weird firebug that endows the “bitee with the gift of fire-age, I would go to UMEME and look for the dude that switches off the electricity unexpectedly. “I dare you to switch it off, I double dare you!” and then I’d torch him for simply existing.

Also, I know I have some of the most level headed pals around, but give me a break. Let’s imagine we are at Mateos (for that seems to be one of the few places we converge as a group) and then I get proper ticked and let off a few rounds of fireballs. None of them is going to just look on and yawn or something. Shit, people don’t get let off for farting, why would people chill because of a fireball. Oh I know, “Wow, neat, you do fireballs! Wish you did hair instead. Those flames are kinda useless you know!”

Better yet, the waiter would come over and say stuff like “…the charcoal in the kitchen won’t light, si, you come and hook us up…wait, first clear your bill”

I believe I can fly

The thing is, the way I see it, we’d all be endowed with this ability so you’d still have those awkward moments you have down below, like you know how you can approach someone and both of you want to avoid each other and find yourselves ducking in the same direction? Yeah? Same thing would happen…with planes and helicopters. But you’d get hurt. A lot.

And there’d probably be some retarded traffic cop waiting for you up there issuing tickets and stuff, saying, ” ‘scuse me! You are not allound to fry here! Is for president only”

There’s also this part of me that believes that flying isn’t all its cut out to be. That there are some complications attached to it.

The chic in Smallville almost always darts way up, then flies to one side, then flies back to the other side.

Conclusion: Flying messes up your ability to get directions right

Superman from back in the day used to hold his stomach while flying

Conclusion: Flying gives you abdominal pains

Also, almost everyone that’s flying has a scowl.

Conclusion: Flying is a depressing activity

In closing, studies have suggested that is way easier to be struck by lightning when you’re up there, than when you’re down here

Run, run as fast as you can

Most of the people I have seen (teh, as if it’s in real life, you know what I mean) with this ability can zip across water! This. Is. Awesome. But somehow I suspect that the water weed and pollution material would mess that up. Like say, you’re late for a date, *zzzip* you’re there seconds later and then she looks you up and down and notices that you’ve got fish under your shoe. Dung is one thing, but FISH?

How the heck do you explain that shit?

I stepped on a lake on my way here?

These new shoes come with scales…still attached to the owner?

Anyone that knows me will attest to the fact that I have trouble walking. I blame it on primary school and the penchant teachers had for making us lift weights in the guise of books and stuff, now if I had super-speed, that would be plain depressing. I might snap something.

Plus I think its disrespectful to bullets when you dodge them. That piece of copper has been waiting all its life to be put to use and you’re going to deny it that?

The alternative is teleportation. I’m no good with geography, so I agree with Dante, I see myself teleporting and getting stuck in a rock…or worse still, Straka’s dressing room.

A penny for your thoughts

I don’t want to read minds. I like to play dumb. This past weekend (and this is a true story) we had a dinner type thing for my mum. It was all good until I missed the elevator the rest of the family was in, so I had to go into another one occupied by what can probably be best described as Anatomical Sales-people… or prostitutes, if you will.

The doors shut and then suddenly this lady starts to stroke my hand saying “banange”. I ignored it the first time, then she did it again, and again. Fortunately I got to my floor just then otherwise I’d have…

Well, long story short, if I could read minds I’d make a big show of it and people would know. I would not be able to play the dumb card anymore.

Regular conversation

Some pal: Dude, that chic is like so totally into you. You should do something…Now

Me: Nuh, she isn’t. you’re just saying that


Conversation with upgraded mind reading abilities installed

Some pal: Dude, that chic is like so totally into you. You…

Me: Should do something? Yeah. I can tell, she so wants me… to pay for her drink. She’s thinking it!

Now mind control on the other hand… that ought to be fun.

Lecturer boring you? Easy

*I command you by the power of my mind to walk out of here and never return…but first you will buy a round of vodka for everyone in class. Including that self righteous prig that be’s there feeling mbu it can’t drink! It just sits there like its hatching eggs and forgetting to hand in my coursework…actually, don’t buy that one a drink, beat it!”


And thou shall be healed

I’d probably get into so much trouble with this one. First off, people tend to feel sorry for you when you’re in pain.

“Oh you poor baby, you have a bullet lodged in your forehead, I’ll kiss it to make it better”

“wow, you’re like so bleeding from your eyes, that’s soooo hot!”

I won’t lie, I’d not use this power for good.

Oh look, a burning building, quick, go save the people in there…

“uh, I don’t know. It looks like way too hot. Can’t we just pray they are okay?”

But the list of moves you could borrow from the Kamasutra is endless. . .

Watch as I take this reality and manipulate it. . .

Yeah. That would be sweet. There’d be no war, no violence, no Sean Kingston…and all the posts we read online would be swell. Realistically, that won’t happen, but if I play with the reality you’re living in, you will read this post till the end! If I do it well enough, you will comment. I’m a novice, so it probably won’t work…I’ve kind of manipulated my reality so well, I don’t know where I was going with this

I was bitten by a radio-active wha??

Spiderman had it easy. The spiders of America are generally more hygienic than their cousins back here. And they are also neat and tidy. I’d make some remark about their orientation, but that’s wrong. I do not attach stereotypes to Arachnids.

I reckon if you got bitten back here it would be by a rat. With the plague. Then your rat-abilities would manifest themselves whilst you lay in your coffin.

That’s not to say we only have rats here, far from it. We have lizards as well. But what business do lizards have going around getting all radio-active?

There are mosquitoes. But that means you’d have a bloody proboscis and that just sucks…(ha!)

What’s that? Mbu you were hit by Gamma what? In which Uganda? You’d sooner be hit by teargas. Then what? You’re not going to go around transforming into stuff. Also, your skin color will not pick up any hue. At best you will become “The Incredible Wailer”

Sponge Bob Super Absorber

I have the uncanny ability to absorb the traits of those around me.

Which is why I dig video games and movies, like to write, drink alcohol, eat junk and have this odd zeal for life. (I was going to put links there, but you lot know yourselves)

Its not a bad thing to have, unless of course you have the misfortune of passing through the taxi park regularly. Then you’d be endowed with “conductor” abilities and you’d have this odd affinity for sitting on people’s thighs and an aversion for deodorant.

But it would be a whole lot of awesome to have this ability and be next to Tumwi (let’s see where flattery gets me)

There are lots more gripes, but this post has run its course and I doubt you have super-patience.




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