more random than a ugandan cop's uniform

My boss sent an email around telling us how we can detect and avoid Ebola. Its kinda touching to know he cares. Its also nice to know that he knows that Ebola is in town… so is Kevin Lyttle, but more on that later. What makes it so reassuring is the fact that I can skip work and tell him, solemnly that I had heard someone in the vicinity had caught the damn thing and was giving out goodbye hugs.

I don’t mean to undermine the Ebola thing, I appreciate the efforts of all those wonderful men and women that are trying to do something about it. So much so, I thought twice about my scheme to skip work by coughing out ketchup (or tomato sauce for those of you in families Amarula) and saying something like, “Oh my. Won’t you look at that…”
To a certain degree, the fact that most of the ketchup that’s readily available in these here parts is diluted with water kinda contributed to the death of that plan.

In other news, Stuart Kevin Lyttle is in town. For those of you who may be wondering who this is, I will start off by telling you who he isn’t then move on to who he is… and if I really feel like it, who he was.

He is not that cute little rat (What gives? A cute rat? Its like saying grasshoppers are pretty… but when you think about it…) that fell in love with the yellow bird and had their romantic venture acquire a Celine Dion soundtrack. Am I the only one that sees the bit at the end of the “I’m Alive” video with the rodent saying, “IN YOUR FACES BITCHES” and then lighting a cigarette? No? Anyway, the vermin is not Kevin Lyttle, that’s Stuart Little.

Though a local artiste in his own right, he is not that guy that calls himself England’s Rose and says shit like, “ They call me England’s Rose, Coz I spit a tough game and wax some Prose, innit?!” That’s the legendary man of mystery, Ernest “Black Man Rising” Bazanye.

Kevin Lyttle is Jamaica’s answer to Akon. We figure news of Akon leaked, because we have gathered intelligence that suggests Kevin was around way before AKON… or before you and I… or around the time the Big Bang was graduating from being a Tiny Pop. He is what you would get if someone took in helium and attempted patois… twice.

Apparently he mentioned in some interview that he doesn’t know his dad and that he has a step brother “somewhere out there” (over the rainbow?). It goes without saying, Bobi Wine and Chameleone will be fighting to prove that each is said brother. Given his resemblance, I’d say England’s Rose is a strong contender.

My mum was upset when she read that Kevin said he was still single and searching and that he had seen loads of beautiful girls in Kampala. Yeah, I felt the same way when Juliana Kanyomozi said she was single and bothered not searching and then turning up in the press the following week in the arms of some dream…What The ****, I thought to myself? Is this what she meant when she told me she was living The Dream?

My mum’s ire stems from the fact that Kevin seems so cock-sure of himself and she believes women, or girls or hags, have a say. That just because the dude sounds like a rodent on helium and he has tonnes of cash, a woman has a choice. From this observation, I am so glad I didn’t develop my social life during the 70’s.

Also in the news, Kabila told Kony he has one month to leave.
I’m intrigued. Is that all its supposed to take? I mean, we have spent like a bajillion shillings on this war, and all we needed to do is pick up the phone and go like, “Hey, uh, Joseph, you and your kind are not welcome here, so, uh, you know, BOUNCE”.

The real question is, what took Kabila so long? Credit issues? I know I am still hounding MTN for my credit that was taken away from me. And they don’t tire of saying I should be patient… more on that later.

Did it become an issue when Kony allegedly killed and ate Otti’s penis…not necessarily in that order? And I mean that as:

STEP ONE: Kill Otti

STEP TWO: Eat Penis

NOT

STEP ONE: Kill Penis

STEP TWO: Eat It

If you want to use the above steps as source material for your porn flick, feel free

One can’t help but wonder what the point of no return is in these arrangements. So anyway, Kony is meant to be out of there like by the end of the year…

I’m planning to watch Beowulf today. I think I will use the loner approach. I figure this way I can avoid those people who figure the head rest in front of them is actually a foot rest. I won’t fault them. We all have our vices, my phone is always on, I just have the decency to put the thing in silent mode instead of placing the volume at the max knowing full well that my ringtone is so bad, it widens the hole in the Ozone.

Comments

comments

9 Comments

  • Cheri Reply December 7, 2007

    I swear…Socks!!!!

    Santa Claus really is in town.

  • magoola Reply December 7, 2007

    I am not very sure what you meant by “…because we have gathered intelligence that suggests Kevin was around way before AKON” because AKON was born in 1973 and Kevin Lyttle in 1976. Then also Kevin little started singing like a minute ago, and AKON was featured on “Fugeela” in 1996. Clearly either in terms of age or doing music, Akon was there before Kevin Lyttle. And also Kevin Lyttle is not Jamaican. He is from Saint Vincent.

  • aegeus Reply December 8, 2007

    reading…liking…then lurking…

  • Ivan Reply December 8, 2007

    Dang. I need to start doing research before putting these things up…or I could say this one wasn’t written by me

  • Darlkom Reply December 8, 2007

    Glad to have you writing funny again.

  • cb Reply December 8, 2007

    those vision guys should give u the ‘weekly review’ slot!

  • Samantha Reply December 9, 2007

    Kevin Lyttle: Fire in the waistline, Uganda got…

    Advert chap: Uganda, mumuwulidde

    Kevin Lyttle: Yo!

    Let me hold you
    Girl caress my body
    You got me going crazy
    You turn me on
    Turn me ooooooooooooooooo(goes off key)
    oooon

  • tumwijuke Reply December 11, 2007

    @Magoola – Dude, live a little.
    @Nadayada – I’m so waiting for your review of Beobarf.

  • The Phantom Reply December 13, 2007

    tee hee, Tum. Beobarf?? and Ivan, you are smoking. More than Jim Carrey.

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