Ivan Musoke

Well, I never…

“I have never” is a nice variation on that awesome game we like to call 5 fingers!

I suck at 5 fingers and have been known to cheat at it, but I rock like Jinja (I’m sorry!) at “I have never”.

I was at this house party thingy over the weekend and we were playing “I have never” when I came to this conclusion… by myself. The way it works, A person says “I have never…” and fills in the blank with some feat they have never pulled off, the rest of the players then have to drink a predetermined amount of alcohol if they have in fact done the deed.

With that background, let’s play, “ I have never…”

I have never… held on to a boda boda cyclist for dear life.

For some reason there are loads of people, male and female who seem to see nothing wrong with this. I suppose when you weigh the pros against the cons it makes perfect sense. But then, as a guy, would you choose to get all so cozy with this dude (face it, this is the one sector of the economy ladies have refused to claim in their emancipation debates) rather than face imminent death… or scratches so bad you can wear them to that party I am constantly planning?

I have never… felt that we as a country are ready for CHOGM.

But the bright and brilliant people at Saatchi and TERP have and have believed in this so much so they went and sent up billboards. We have been over this before. It started with “celebrities” (heh) endorsing the thing… in a move that riled people worse than the nullified election petition (screwed up priorities I suppose). We agreed that we didn’t need to have celebs on the billboards and similarly agreed that a woman that plied her wares on the streets to truck drivers and just about any one that supports the industry (a slut if you will) stood a higher chance of getting the message across.

The second phase has the oh-so-brilliant and wonderful people set up billboards (what’s it with the BILLBOARDS?!) with the message that we have been ready for years. These feature beautiful scenary that is of Ugandan origin and are erected all over the country, usually against the back-drop of say, a slum, a rubbish heap and a local artiste.

I have never… felt comfortable taking phone calls from the confines of the bathroom / atop a toilet seat.

The acoustics do not favour the lie that you are “nowhere” or at “the cinema and it’s the quiet scene just before the big explosion” . Its not right so I generally don’t carry my phone to the loo… not even when I am so dying to take calls and answer the question, “Where are you?” with the words, “ I am just sitting here thinking about you…”

I have never…been hit with Blogger’s Block such as this.

I mean, seriously, I am talking about taking the phone to the loo. What’s next? Putting up images of local artistes looking like moving condoms yellow in nature. I don’t even know how, but the dude on baz’s blog just looks wrong. Imagine if a lady was in a similar outfit, and they were slow dancing…

I have never… been the first blogger to appear at the BHH.

Usually its down to good ol’ fashioned procrastination, but at times I indulge myself in small things. I am typing this out 30 minutes to the occasion, but I am not really worried about keeping time. I need to put this up don’t I?

I have never… been a fan of wearing branded tee-shirts, wait..branded with products from breweries and contraceptive type thingies

If you want me to wear that shite pay me! I am nobody’s billboard!

Are you drunk yet?




  1. let me buy you a drink Ivan. for real!i have never laughed so much in my life!

    the clutching a boda boda man thing is one i vehemently refused!i swear there’s no nastier sight that that!…ok maybe the local artiste on at Baz’ tries to rival that but waaa!

    and then, i really can’t laugh when there are tears in my eyes from this much laughing!

  2. Yesterday, I was not feeling well. We had no power at home and then I thought of the words ‘Imagine if a lady was in a similar outfit, and they were slow dancing…’ and burst into laughter. Made my day.

Leave a Reply