Ivan Musoke

The CHOGM one

I’d started typing this thing out with the intention of posting something sensational. Arousing ire or whatever emotions were aroused, when this went up. What you have instead is a first paragraph choke-full of innuendo and a very stupid next lot of paragraphs that introduces the meat of the matter.

I figured I’d go into some discussion I was having with a friend of mine not too long ago. It was a chat session and as you know, people seem to grab life by the …well people seemingly get all gutsy in chat rooms. And they ask questions too. As I type this out I have a window open whose primary fodder is pregnancy and what its like. I’m trying to get enlightened you see. So anyway, midway through my chat of not far back enough, she asks me, “so, what do you call your cock?”

It may have been a little more graphic, I really can’t recall. This hangover is not helping.

So anyway, there’s a lull in our chat for a bit and I figure I can smartly deflect this thing by, you know, like turning the line of questioning around. Unfortunately she had a name for “them”. So it appears I kind of got a raw deal there.

I figured I’d be original and all; I certainly couldn’t go with the traditional corny things you find on Porn Sites or in my junk mail folder. Stuff like, “wonderful” (ego involved there) Mister Happy (sounds like something a paedophile would call it) Godfather (Won’t get into that…)

I settled for, “CHOGM”. As in, “Uganda are you ready for CHOGM?” That CHOGM.

So now the brief CHOGM POST begins…

The opposition leader is well-pissed that people would insinuate that his party does not support CHOGM (the event). He is riled by the whole thing and I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t be amused if the press went around misquoting my sentiments. Without going all word for word like, I believe what he said was something to the effect that he has no problem with CHOGM but he doesn’t really see why it’s a big deal.

Apparently it doesn’t do shit for the host country. Apart from you know, boosting the tourism sector and giving prostitutes a new lot of clientele…and messing up the dollar’s strength. (Which, as an aside, I’d like to say some dude is going around taking credit for… by sending our people to Iraq)

I sorta agree with the dude on this, I mean. I don’t have a problem with being turned down or stood up, but I can’t really see what it does for a person’s self esteem.

Elsewhere, there’s billboards being erected (yes, I know) with our as-if celebrities going on about how they are ready for CHOGM…or the world at large. BULL! There’s one with Rio Ferdinand saying he too is ready for the world. He should be. Dude earns a gajillion trillion kabuutillion bucks! Of course he is READY. Question is, ARE WE? I mean. One of these billboards is next so some rubbish heap. How the heck is this being prepared? Hi world, please come over we’ve got beautiful women, madmen on motorcycles and a load of rubbish. We are certainly set to host you! Bring your own litter.

There’s a billboard that KCC (Kampala City Council) set up with the proclamation that they are getting ready for CHOGM. Unlike the jokers that put there’s up next to rubbish heaps and brothels, the KCC thing which thankfully doesn’t have the Mayor’s Face on it, is next to some road that’s being dug up and put back together again in some juvenile way. But seeing as they are just getting ready, we can’t fault them coz we know they will get tired of dishing this dirt in our faces eventually.

I predict that prices will soar. It’s a no brainer that prostitutes will charge a little higher and probably incorporate words such as “dolla” and “poundi” into their vocabulary. Come to think of it, because of the scale of this thing, we are going to see all sorts of currency flooding the market. Plus new expressions will come into their possession. On top of trying to lure men to them (and, oh I don’t know, the odd woman once in a while) with calls of “Arsene Wenger, jangu (come) and score” I see a situation coming into play where a lady of the night will say, ” ‘ello guv’nor, fancy a shag?! Go on then, don’t be a tosser! Nawe fala!” or worse yet, ” My milk shake brings all the boys to my yard and…”

Our speech pattern will change…and Lord knows we will be terribly helpful to any stranger around that time. It will be a good day for tourists. “Hurrllo, Carn I Herlp you? Whart? Certainly” and inevitably, that all too common question, ” How do you like our country?” That’s a retarded question in all honesty, it doesn’t make sense on any level. How the heck do you answer that? ” ah, I like your country between bread” ? Curiously, people do venture to answer this thing and its always, ” I LURV IT”

I suppose bumpy roads and dust go a long way in warping judgement….no…its this heat.




  1. LOL..i think twld b interesting if the accents and general lingo could actually change to guv’nor and such…only since the actual event is going to pass in a blur that few will notice…
    Wait, we myt b banned from the city centre. I hear someof us aint pretty enough to be shown off…. first they bann the really old cars..then its the people…watch out..YOU COULD BE NEXT!

  2. do you really reckon that prices will soar? not if there are mainly female chogmers, i reckon they will carry their own vibrators for their thingies as queen cheri njuki described…
    and as for the male chogmers, hmmm i agree esp if the prostitutes can be taught that classic line u used…arsene wenger, come and score..thats a masterpiece…still debating whether its better than the… ‘ello gav, fancy a f**ck……….
    Oh i almost forgot, CHOGM will lead to more boda boda men getting some the most….u see they will transport prostees to various venues the CHOGM delegates will be and when some nights are bad, the prostees will instead give the boda guys jaribu or shorts as payment…as a result i predict more people becoming boda boda men..and more bikes imported and so more money for BMK(of Hotel Africana), long live CHOGM

  3. So who are those Billboards targeting? In which Kampala do the people featured on those billboards live for them to be ready by this time when the rest of Kampala isn’t?

  4. Thing is … wouldn’t it be nice if Besigye was on one of them posters, showing off about how he is ready for CHOGM? Well, I guess there is the aesthetics consideration, as well…

    Anyway, that muhfucker was doing all he could to prevent the CHOGM and all. Not your CHOGM. I mean the real one. Only he found it wasn’t going to work out like that, so he – being the clever bugger he is – has changed stance smoothly, and I bet nobody will notice it. Smart bugger, there.

  5. So, is Uganda really ready for CHOGM??? Considering u call him that?

    And I hate it when people say CHOGAM! The word is CHOGM… pronounced CHOM…., y’all should know that the ‘G’ is silent. Like the one in Champagne.

  6. actually i don`t think we are ready for CHOGM.Howcansomene have the courage to say we are ready for CHOGM when our roads are hell……………………………..

  7. I am with Cheri on the pronunciation of CHOGM. My Mom would have a fit if she heard me pronounce it as ‘CHOGEM.’ It is like when you ask for ‘crisps’ and the shop attendant claims that there are no crisps and yet you can see them before your very eyes. It is not when you say ‘crisips’ that she finally understands what you are saying.

    That aside, I do not think Kampala is ready for CHOGM, leave alone the rest of Uganda. Each time I go upcountry, I get a culture shock at how far behind Kampala the rest of Uganda is. Forget the potholes, traffic jam and rubbish. Taxis, which we take for granted in Kampala, are a rarity. In the few taxis that are available, if you complain about sitting with five other people instead of two, you will be told to take your lugezigezi to Kampala. Even boda boda motorcycles are a scarcity. Instead, you will find bicycles in their place. Maybe it is just as well that things are the way they are. Maybe these are the things that should be addressed during CHOGEM, sorry CHOGM.

  8. CHOGM huh! i hope Chogm is ok this morning and that Ug is ready for him.
    The whole preparations tick me off especially the road works that make traffic hell in the city.

  9. dude, everyone in Ug or just the women? and come to think of that, ALL the women?

    or and by the way, whatever you cleverpeoplewhowanttochangethewaywetalk think, it will always be GHOGaM. deal with it! Swallow it!

    not Ivan’s CHOGM necessarilly.

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