A dash of Hydrogen, 2 Pieces of Oxygen

We have a water shortage! And by “we” I mean the country and by “shortage” I mean that… well, there’s a shortage of sorts. This has basically resulted in a great deal of power cuts and numerous articles or stories or whatever dwelling on the same theme.
None of these have been solution oriented, everybody has been coming out and making noise about this and that and asking for more money for an extra car, but nobody is willing to put a foot down and say, “Here’s what we should do…”

Here’s what I think we should do…

Stay out of the rain.
Realistically speaking, every time you get soaked in the downpour you are in fact taking what little water could be used to generate a unit of electricity. Imagine if you would, what would happen if you stepped aside as the rain fell. Can’t imagine? Me neither, but I reckon the water should be able to embark on some long odyssey that will see it either in some far off land or better yet, the dam…

My recommendations; Stay the heck out of the rain! If the guy on radio says it looks like rain, give him the benefit of the doubt and stay indoors. If you happen to be in a taxi at the moment, then stay put. Granted you may go well past your destination before it stops raining, but it’s a chance we should be prepared to take as patriots…as people that want, nay, NEED electricity!

Q: What if I happen to be outside when it starts raining and there’s no visible shelter?
A: What are you? 12? Carry a phone with radio playing capabilities and listen out for the weather forecast. Should you fail and in fact get drenched in the process, go to the dam and jump off the bridge. That way you will return the water you have accumulated and we as a nation will be one non-patriot less…

Stop drinking water.
If you thought about it, and I’m sure you have countless times before, water tastes bad. The education system is playing with you when it says that water has no taste. Think about it. If you went out hanging with your pals and asked for a shot of transparent Zappa/ Sambucca/ Vodka and they handed you a glass of water instead you’d know! It has a distinct taste! As an aside, you probably know by now that it is not “colorless” either. If it actually had this see-thru quality, you’d never know what hit you when it rained,
“What the? I’m being hit by something, but I can’t see it? What sorcery is this?”

My recommendations; don’t touch bottled water. Do not drink water at all. In the event that you go over to pay someone a visit and for some reason are offered a glass of water, slap them and say you’re a patriotic Ugandan and you’d sooner take a glass of beer before selling out to this great land of ours.

Q: What if I’m done with a meal and I need to wash it down?
A: One word; SALIVA! If you put saliva to task to produce its Curriculum Vitae, you’d find that one of its skills or abilities is washing down food. Look carefully under the line where it unashamedly brags about being featured in a song by Nameless. “I wish I was the saliva in your mouth, so I would always touch your cheeks, ooooooo!” (edit: its actually something about tasting lips)


Don’t bathe.
No doubt you’re thinking this is harsh. It’s not as bad as you imagine. Look at pigs. They don’t bathe and they are so bloody desirable. The same should ring true for you. Plus as a guy you pick up that masculine smell that women in porn flicks love (cummon, you know you’d settle for a porn flick chic any day!). Also as a chic you get to test just how far a guy will go with his love. Screw climbing the highest mountain, will he love you if you don’t bathe?

My recommendations: Don’t bathe!

Q: But how can I go through life in that state?
A: Guess you’ve never had the misfortune of sitting next to a “conductor” in a taxi…

Use loads of Vaseline.
How does this work? Well, it’s actually quite smart. You retain what little water you have in your body right, and you don’t get as thirsty as all those upper-class stiffs strutting around sipping from the Mineral Water Bottles like it’s all the rage or something. Anyway, using Vaseline will also mean that you have no need for water when you need to wash food down. When placed on the tongue properly, Vaseline makes it such that the food glides all the way down the esophagus and the smug saliva is of no use.

My recommendations: It’s usually a good idea to explain why you are carrying a great deal of Vaseline around. Its also a smart plan to move with a member of the opposite sex rather than one of the same sex lest there’s some concern.

Q: Wouldn’t the frequent use of Vaseline make me glow?
A: It depends on how you look at it. Some may even look at you and think you’re quite BRIGHT.

Comments

comments

18 Comments

  • char Reply October 23, 2006

    Ivan for president!!!… (not)HILARIOUS, though- loved it.

  • Cherie L'amour Reply October 24, 2006

    really, Prez Ivan??? not quite there yet!

    44 months,,,then we’ll have nonstop electricty!
    Cant wait!

  • Darlkom Reply October 24, 2006

    But you’re a mongo.

  • The 0ne Reply October 24, 2006

    @Char; as luck would have it, I have been approached by a group claiming they will endorse my bid

    @Cherie; If you follow my recommendations, you will not just have electricity..you will be oily and dehydrated

    @Darlkom; eh eh

  • Kenyanchick Reply October 25, 2006

    Vaseline: ati “Its also a smart plan to move with a member of the opposite sex rather than one of the same sex lest there’s some concern.”

    That just cracked me UP! Tch, Ivan you’re mad…

  • The 0ne Reply October 26, 2006

    @Kenyanchick. but is not genius oft confused with madness?

  • Lovely Amphibian Reply October 26, 2006

    this shit is ILLLLLLLL!

  • Afro Reply October 26, 2006

    got here via white african.

    Dude, this has made my morning!

    “Screw climbing the highest mountain, will he love you if you don’t bathe?”

    OMG. ROFL.

  • The 0ne Reply October 26, 2006

    @Afro…where is white african?

  • Afro Reply October 27, 2006

    white african’s blog is
    http://www.whiteafrica.com,
    He linked to you. 🙂

  • Afro Reply October 27, 2006

    pardon me…
    whiteafrican.com

  • Carlo Reply October 30, 2006

    1. can i join your campaigning team when you do decide to run for president? i’ll flush the guys and they’ll put ticks wherever i tell them. deal? thanx.

    2. but you really are a mongo!!

    3. i miss you so much. you’re still extremely funny too.

    4. i was going to list the things i found really amusing but then again i’d have to re-write your entire post so i won’t. i’m still laughing though about the vaseline thing.

  • The 0ne Reply October 30, 2006

    @Carlo:

    1> Yes you can. At this rate, I think I’d also need some sort of convincing to vote myself ;o)

    2> I am not…eh,eh!

    3> Thanks… and I miss you too (maybe we should take this to our email,non?)

    4> :o)

  • Shiroh Reply October 31, 2006

    Hilarity Galore.

    Was in KLA the other day; heard some guys or all of you get electricity in alternate days. Here in Nairobi, everyone would strike; students, workers.

    So whats the problem with lack of elec

  • Aegeus Reply November 1, 2006

    All hands on deck! Apart from staying out of the rain, vaseline and not drinking the valuable liquid, how else are we supposed to help? (Will ask Kenya Power to send a little elec your way) ROTFL great blog.

  • The 0ne Reply November 3, 2006

    @Shiroh; I would say its lack of patriotism, but I digress, we can’t get physical, coz we will get thirsty and thus tempted to further reduce the water…

    @aegus; We are investigating alternative means such as using wind for most activities, blowing the dirt off our clothes, the dust off our bodies…

  • Shiroh Reply November 3, 2006

    You are welcome. About partying what i meant
    Kenyans don’t dance; they just sit and drink beer till the cows come home but you guys dance. Its a good thing lest you become like our drinking nation.

  • Goddess of Sorts Reply November 17, 2006

    u had me cringing! imagining using vaseline to wash down food! yeech!

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