So Long and Thanks for All The Flicks

Cineplex Wilson Road is no more…
Well, that’s what I’ve been led to believe…
No more shall I be able to refer to it fondly as Soweto. I also won’t be able to talk about the wannabe’s that chill within…A reliable source told me that all my ranting and my ire is brought on by what she referred to as a case of THE CINEMA EXPERIENCE…

Why don’t YOU tell me…

Cry Me A River…

I went to the cinema to watch THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST and people wailed.
I am well aware that people clap and I will probably write about them, but this was just ridiculous. Someone was screaming out, “They are killing him!” I was thinking…
“no, you’re kidding me.”
For crying out loud we had the script. We have all had the script since forever. We know what happened! Why would anyone be surprised that Jesus dies? Did anyone skip Easter?
I mean can anyone blame me for not quite feeling all CINEMA-esque after the movie? I’m walking out and people are all upset…no wait, I mean PISSED and at the brink of asking for a refund because THERE WAS A TWIST. I half expect someone to compare notes with a pal, “Man, did you see that? For a minute I thought HE was actually dead and yet…that Mel Gibson, he can direct a movie…”
Yeah, he can also push a pint and you my friend can also be a tad thick…

The nasty case of The Clap…

There’s an STD that shares its name with this and I think somewhere, during the course of your movie experience you will wish this thing upon the idiot that’s clapping. How the heck does this work? Oh looky, Spiderman saved the day with his web. I was so NOT expecting that. I will now get up and applaud him for doing such a great job. *CLAP* *CLAP*
What the hell, man? Spidey will not come out of this experience feeling refreshed because you cheered him on. In one swift move you’ve messed up some dude with a camcorder that was going to make a killing on the black market. The baby being lifted and obscuring his field of vision was forgiveable. You on the other hand are not.

My, Look at the time…

I didn’t think I knew people like this until I went in to watch Superman Returns. I really thought ( and I will agree with you if you say I was being naive) that its the sort of thing that someone talks about over a beer to help the conversation flow…so there I am, in the cinema, a little miffed that I have to sit right at the front and feel like the canvas is touching my nose when someone strolls in about 15 minutes after the movie has started. If you watched the movie,you are probably aware that that’s like 10 minutes of movie and five minutes of opening credits. So this dude looks at me and is seemingly shocked that I am in the cinema. I wanted to reply his, “You’re here!” observation with “No, I mentally projected myself into this seat. this isn’t me…its my mind playing games with you, heck let’s play solitaire after the movie!” But I was trying to watch the movie…
Then he asked me if he was late. Through gritted teeth I said no…I had to ungrit them after that because I wanted to drink my soda.
5 Minutes later…he turns to me, obviously failing to notice that I was trying to follow this thing…”What did I miss?”
The appropriate response borders on Physical Harm, but I maintained my composure and calmly informed him that Superman had in fact returned while he was away…Guess I killed the movie for him,eh?

And now, your host for this Evening…

If I didn’t really do movies there’s a gajillion things I would do. I’d watch paint dry on a growing blade of grass or even, dare I say it, chill out. I would NOT, I repeat…NOT carry someone to the cinema and ask them to provide running commentary and breakdown the movie for me. Why would anyone do that…What’s the arrangement…” Okay, I will pay for your ticket, but you have to tell me what’s happening…”
And sure enough right in the middle of things…” Yeah, so that guy is not really dead. He is, like as if dead as if not…in fact, he is there as if like a dead person that is not dead, its like in that other movie of undead people that were dead, but never seemed to die. Its odd, becuase this actor does that in all his movies…like in part one of this thing where…”

I Christen thee…

I figure someone ought to pull down all the posters that they put up at the cinema… I mean, no one will really pay attention to the actor’s/actress’ names…they have this other character stuck in there and as a result you seem to have a crossbreed movie…”Yeah, I’m going to watch Taking Lives starring Tomb Raider…” or ” Yeah, I think I should watch Fun with Dick and Jane, because Ace Ventura is in it…”


There’s loads of stuff that goes down that makes for the Cinema Experience, but I can’t help but wonder, should I mourn the passing of Soweto…er, Wilson Road’s cinema…

Let he that has not forgotten to switch off their phone, post the first comment…

Comments

comments

7 Comments

  • kellyshowker Reply September 1, 2006

    Soweto, I like that… I went to half price movies there one night on a tuesday with some friends and the power cut off half way through so I was like wow this its half price, so I asked for my money back and the girl gave me 10 thou extra cause she messed up the change… sweet, I kind of liked WIlson road… no one ever got the jokes in the movies that went there, hilarious….

  • Jay Reply September 1, 2006

    I feel you on all the annoying moviegoers.

    Though “soweto” has closed, Garden city plans on opening up two more screens which I think should be showing the “not so new Flicks”.

    No more going to cinema on a whim becuse I happen to be passing by on the way to the park or something.

  • Kenyanchick Reply September 1, 2006

    This is hilarious! I never attended this particular movie theatre but the same thing happened at the movies here!

    For instance, the hardened cynic who’d shout, “That’s impossible” when somebody leapt over a building. Dude, the movie’s called Superman!

  • baz Reply September 1, 2006

    Kyokka. Dude, I am logging this one among your greatest hits. That was funny. Now I want to take a molotov cocktail and toss it into the cinema.

  • Jadekitten Reply September 6, 2006

    You had me in stitches right thurr…

    I’ve been to K’la a coupla times but I’ve only watched movies at the marines … Not bad, if you don’t count the agony getting to and from, what with my unhealthy fear of those teeth-barring dobermans you encounter on your way.

  • The 0ne Reply September 13, 2006

    Breaking News:

    Some Dude set Garden City on Fire and out of Ashes Soweto has risen,but only just…

  • dante Reply September 13, 2006

    i always found it funny, when first timers to Soweto cdnt find the fold-up seats; with hilarious outcomes. ah, memories

    hey, i really liked Hitchhiker’s GTTG too. “punny”. lol

    PS: its a chore to comment on ur blog. google- beta.blogger pain

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