Ivan Musoke

A History Of…Valentine's?

St. Valentine appeared to me. It wasn’t a dream or anything, well he did mention he wanted me to go out there and do his bidding and lead lonely hearts to the right rooms,but that’s hardly relevant. What he wanted was for me explain how it went down. Knowing how brilliant you lot are, I am sure you’ve figured out by now that “it” is the true story of Valentine’s day.


Like every tale that is set way back when,this one has its origin in Rome.Its 269 AD and no one has a Television set or a mobile phone. Its clearly before evolution as we know it. In fact things are so dire you couild be shot for being in love. Dreamy looks were forbidden and that is why Valentine was actually a great guy, he allowed people to have dreamy looks in his cottage, know how there are smokers’ corners and stuff?Yeah valentine set up a couple of Dreamy look corners in various spots. This dude was clearly off his rocker.

Somewhere during the course of the year,no one really cares when.Valentine got thrown in jail. Well we think it was Valentine, there’s a random possibility it was some dude called Warren that got thrown in for treason,but got Valentine’s details off the yet to be invented Internet and committed the first unknown act of Identity Theft. Anyway, so this guy is in jail, chilling and all that and is a little riled that no one has checked on him when suddenly…

Jailer’s Daughter (JD): Valentine, buddy…I’m in love!
Val: Do I know you?
JD:Not really but as the years go by, I play a pivotus rolus in this story…
Val: Wait…I have heard of you, you go by the name Trinity…which must mean I am the one.I’m gonna break out of this cell then?
JD: erm, what the heckus are you going on about? I was just trying to tell you how I happen to be in love and the Emperor is not down with that.
Val: Down with Love?
JD: Not that.With Prisoners that think way too much of themselves. Anyway,what I am trying to say is…you’re gonna die!
***Tune plays that even in such a prehistoric era signals that death is close by***
Val: Did you hear that?
JD: You mean the tune that played signalling that death was close by? Yeah, Its part of the soundtrack from “Son Of The Mask”.
very random reader: There was no death in that movie, oh wait I get it…The death Of Jamie Kennedy’s acting career.You!! You’re good!
Val: I can’t shake off the feeling we are not alone in here.

The jailer’s daughter left because Marconi had just invented the Television and some idiot had then and there invented Soaps.

Meanwhile, Emeperor Claudius was trying to make sure he had an army-us large-us (In plain speak; a Large Army) and to that end he asked the men,nicely, to join the army.
Many people received text messages; “Send a message with your friend’s name and number in the form “Name & Number” wants to join the army pronto!” and win…”
So quite naturally they sent the messages and won themselves some very unflattering ranks in the army.

You have to bear in mind the mobile phone had not “quite” been invented by then so it was mostly down to the whole String and Can routine. In which case People would wake to find itsy bitsy notes in their cans.

This didn’t work simply because no one had the credit to respond.Plus in most cases the men were away arguing with their families and (curiously?) never found any missed calls.

Claudius was not happy.In fact the term for his mood was Pissus Offus. So he decreed as most rulers were wont to, that there would no longer be any marriages henceforth…a word that has notoriously resurfaced recently. There was some joy because…

Some Dude: We no longer have to go for wedding meetings.
Some Other Dude: heck,I don’t need to dress UP anymore..no more black shiny sandals and black togas!
A lady with an African butt: Darnus!I was hoping to be a wedding planner at some point

The said lady is thrown into some containment chamber and emerges later in time as an actress.

So Valentine had been thrown into jail coz he was the go to guy for weddings.It just wouldn’t do to try recruiting someone and have them flash a finger with a wedding band and declare “Recruit This!”

Strangest thing was, people actually liked this guy.I mean really liked.They actually went out of their way and wrote some notes and threw them into his cell. You can’t imagine how grateful Valentine was.It was 269 AD so there was no toilet paper…

The jailer’s daughter kept on coming and that ominous tune would play,but this one time it was particularly loud…

The jailer’s daughter was not there so he scrunged around for a note that hadn’t been used and erased the sender’s name and replaced it with his own…and signed, “With Love from Your Valentine”

So there you have it…at no point did he see things get to the point where we’d be running around like the infamous headless chicken trying to wish someone out of Jail a Happy Valentine’s day.It’s sad.
Its depressing…

Its Over!




  1. you know, the first ever article of yours i read in print was on valentine’s day. in the monitor. and you’re still as riveting as you were back then in s.4 vac!

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